ugly little things

I cried tonight after you left. At some point I must have decided there would be no more tears - that I have cried enough. Some cold, calculating part of me added them up and decided any more would appear too self-indulgent. So I cut my self off the way a bartender would. A person can get drunk on tears. They're addictive in large doses. But they are also healing and denying my self them, as I have other things recently, isn't healthy. I'm still punishing my self for being unlovable. We do that, you know. Lives are wasted on such self-flagellation. Not good enough. Not worthy. Or bad. These are addictive in large doses. As is denial. The gut-reaction is always to suppress. I've been jealous and sad - emotions which are, to me, unacceptable. They make me feel small and insubstantial. They make me feel so little. It's uncomfortable. It's hard not to turn away from my self in these moments. To give it the cold shoulder. To snub. But it's how we deal with pain, crisis and hardship that's really the test isn't it? When things are going great it's easy to open, to be welcoming to ourselves and others. When there's a surplus in our lives how hard is it to give? It's not. I've been sad before and saw how people treated it as infectious. They'd keep their distance from me as though it were viral. I always thought they were missing the easiest of opportunities for kindness. I realize now how I've been doing the same. I've been treating my own sadness and jealousy as diseases. They're not. They're more like a scab (irritating and itchy) that you just shouldn't pick off. Ugly little things yes, but part of the process.