So I caught myself looking at myself contempt-fully in the mirror today. Something has deteriorated. I don't know if it happened slow, over time. Pressure cooked without my noticing. Or if it happened all at once. A crack in the bowl. A fissure. Tectonic plates shifting. Whatever. Now that I've seen it I don't think it'll be too hard to fix. If fixing is the right word. You live in your own skin long enough you (hopefully) begin to gain some small understanding of what needs to happen for you to be healthy again when something slips off balance.

I'm going to develop a schedule - and try to stick to it. Law and order. Law and order.

I'm going to again point out to myself what I like in people. What makes them worthwhile - and therefore myself worthwhile. I've noticed that whenever I lose a little faith in others, I tend to lose faith in myself. I guess it's just another thing. We're constantly looking for answers. What's so troubling about people who do "bad" things is not always what they've done, but what that says about us. I notice it in myself constantly - the looking for answers, for identity in others. I'm not always interested in others - just what they have to say about me. What I can learn about me from them. About humanity. Even their most personal stories. They're talking about me too. All stories are mine.

I have so much to learn. I am incalculably ignorant. But at least I have somewhere to go from here.