Friday, June 19, 2015

Tuesday, June 9

6:30 - Rise and dress

7:15 - Morning sitting

A moment walking in, a choice is made to sit on the right-hand side of the room. I realize as I am following my feet that there is sunlight falling on this side of the room while there is still darkness in the corners of the other. I take a seat, feel the cool air from the open window behind me on my shoulders and back. 45 minutes. First, circulation of attention through the body, two rotations of LHM and once through the 60-point exercise. A very asleep left foot needs awakening and I'm up.

8:00 - To breakfast. Eggs and oatmeal with strawberry yogurt. Silence visited, but I was not there to greet it.

9:30 - Staff meeting in the Small Room

Aim: Allow myself to follow the right impulses as they show up and support the presence of AT on the course.

The meeting is underway. Several scheduling bits and pieces are called out. I have a clear sense that the right place for me is with the Intro team at 3:00 pm but, I hesitate. I feel unsure. Is this the right time? Perhaps I should save it for after I've had a chance to get Sandra's feedback. Lunch maybe?

The meeting adjourns and, as we walk out, I realize I have just missed an opportunity to follow through with my Aim. I mechanically move to fix this mistake. I pull aside PG, who is in charge of the scheduling and let him know my 3:00 p.m. intention to work with the Intro team. TG overhears this and seems to assume responsibility for my mistake.

10:30 - Orchestral Maneauvers (OM) with Sandra (first two relationships) - I am late due to an unforeseen complication.

Leaving OM, I notice my Intro AT with the Intro team at 3:00 pm is not on the schedule. I mention this to the person standing next to me who suggests I write it in the schedule. It doesn't feel completely right, but I do it anyway and again, immediately regret it.

10:45 - Intro team's first notes with RF

11:45 - Beginner/Intermediate (BNI) in Ballroom with buddies Tony and Curt. Circulating C-Major in one to three octaves, with return, plus variations. I sat in the corner with Frank.

1:00 - Lunch

Our work for today? I am preparing myself to speak when Curt calls out my 3:00 pm Intro meeting. It is clear how my emotional startle/reactivity has created an energy leak, squandering several other people's energy in an attempt to right my small fail from earlier. If I had been patient and trusted the right moment would come, I could have lessened the impact on myself and others. Also a clear sense here of the potential effects of simply labeling something a mistake. How might this have gone differently had I not?

A brief chat with Curt outside the dining room looking out on the lake about the pendulum swinging and what it means to walk on two legs. I've been holding a question about opposites for several days now.

REST

2:45 - Intro Team Intro to AT with Erin in what is now known as the Ratty Room
(According to RF it has ratty chairs and tacky carpet. It does.)

At approximately 3:00, we have circled up in the Ballroom and begun exploring habitual patterns of tension, giving attention to our bodies from the soles of our feet to the top of the head, a basic definition of AT, locating, experientially, where our joints are and a new idea/way to sit and stand, with me going around the circle putting hands-on. Curt enters and observes. One individual gets playfully called out for looking at his cell phone. Somewhere around 3:10 I experience a moment of self-doubt. A muddled call for help. Help appears.

3:30 Guitar Basics with Erin, Sandra and guitar buddies (adjustments are made)

Walking to tea time I am busy answering the question of one intro student. I am aware that there is a certain creative energy bubbling up, running over, from having taught. This is exactly like the energy generated in a performance. I am not fully present. I am, in a gambling sense, right now a big spender, a high roller. I am trying to answer the question in such a way as to look knowledgeable, even though I sense the person I am right now is not the right person for questions. We round the corner to find RF on the landing. I receive a shock. Even so, I am, for the next hour, unable to shut my mouth.

4:00 Tea time

Re-connecting with Hellboy Tom on our way up the hill. I find myself running down the hill, late for Keynotes.

5:00 Keynotes with Frank

We are introduced to Keynote-style observations, first-person, present tense. Several are given with comments from Frank.  

6:15 - Curt a floor turn in the Ballroom. A few laughs over my energy-leak creating frenzy to fix my earlier "mistake". Received positive feedback about my teaching. It seems I'm beginning to come into my own. 

Curt pointed out a porch which will likely become my teaching space for individual lessons.

REST

7:00 Dinner

Several comments on Keynotes. Witnessing has been a theme - both on the course and in my personal life. Adrian asks how to apply Frank's advice to his guitar practice. Dave is asked to hold his question about calling upon an outside witness for feedback.

Our work for tonight? House of guitars! I chimed in, following a slightly impish impulse to support Leslie. After further reflection, the timing of this may have been off. 

More positive feedback from Adrian in regard to my teaching. I'll take it.

A conversation with SBC. I am grateful for her generosity at having made room for me on this course. SBC suggests I assume the role of AT teacher as she is now OM. Even though there is considerable overlap between OM and AT, this feels right. I'm given the green light to take the Intro team.

10:15 - House of Guitars. The outer circle seems unevenly divided, with more experienced circlers on the right-hand side of the room and intros on the left. I take a seat on the left beside Henry. The first 20 minutes or so sound timid, but musical. I have the sense that people are listening.

The lights go out, bringing with it a few internal struggles. To me, as we go, it seems we are more and more in the grips of relentless strumming and the good ideas of a few who don't seem to want to let the moment go long after its natural completion has arrived.

Exiting, I find Hideyo and Julia playing a piece in the corridor I recognize from the Mexico extended course but can't name. A welcome sight.

A walk back up the hilly shortcut to our cabin. Not so winded this time.

12:00 am - To bed. 

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