Monday, June 22, 2015

Wednesday, June 10

6:45 - Woke
7:15 - Morning Sitting

Passing into the Ballroom I notice several Intros in the Ratty Room. I join them, thinking RF will be presenting the exercise. When he doesn't arrive, I worry. This is, by far, the shortest-feeling 45 minute sitting I've ever had. After raising a false alarm, I find I had either misunderstood or failed to hear that he was presenting in the Wonder Room this morning.

Breakfast of slimy, tepid porridge.

9:30 - Staff meeting
10:30 - Orchestral Maneuvers
10:30 - Guitar Mechanics Intro team in Ballroom with Curt and I

"Curt, are they allowed to breath?"
Afterward, a moment's rest is stolen in the cabin.

1:00 - LUNCH - Borscht

Short meeting with Sandra regarding tomorrow morning, short meeting with Joe regarding a good time to work with the kitchen team.

During housework, a table is moved to the patio just outside the Ballroom for my use teaching private lessons. It has a view of the lake.

Have I mentioned it's bloody hot? And humid.

3:00 - Intro team in Wonder Room (using our arms and legs, looking around the room from the occipital joint, etc) / BNI repertoire in ballroom

It is a tight squeeze in the room (which is bright, with hardwood floors, a green chalkboard on one end and windows lined pleasantly with rainbow-colored curtains). As with the previous day's teaching, there is a moment where I wonder what the hell I'm going to do and whether or not anything I'm saying is making sense to anyone. I stick with it. This is a responsive group who are, for the most part, holding open a space for the teaching. Several great questions at the end of the session by several students who have hung back. In some ways, this moment is the most instructive. I see how one good question from a student can change things for the entire group. Some hesitation and curiosity about what the BNI team is doing in the adjoining room.

4:00 - Tea

Curt skipping stones.

Sitting on the bench with Frank overlooking the lake. This is the closest I've gotten to the water. He's interested in the fish - how they cross from their world into another the moment they break the surface going after a bug. He's hard of hearing, but can understand me. Have I been trained? No, but in the last few years I finally got up the guts to sing karaoke. Which songs? Julie London, Cry Me a River and Stray Cats. Would I translate for the meeting? Of course.

5:00 Keynotes

My observation from the previous night: I am sitting in the outer circle and the lights go off. My immediate feeling is of relief: I don't have to feel self-conscious anymore. But something comes with that, a feeling that I'm no longer held responsible. I mentally begin accusing my fellow musicians of having let something necessary for music go. Then the thought, "How do I verify this?" and I remember to listen.

Accurately repeating what people said was difficult, a bit of a performance. The tricky part was measuring/lining up my own ability (or inability) to correctly remember what was being said with the natural pauses/line breaks/breaths of the speaker. A very interesting experience for me.

Gave a chair turn to Dave and afterward a floor turn to Tim.

6:30 - Qi Gong with the gorgeous tree next to us in the wind, the rocks behind, lake in front and a sense of the moving energy between my hands and that I don't know what I'm doing. I felt very awkward. It was a good feeling though.

7:00 - Dinner

I sat next to Tony who sat next to Frank. I've been avoiding sitting at the head table. Not sure why, but no real need to press myself for an answer.

A clear moment of recognizing and labeling the sensation of being physically tired. Connected to that are thoughts that are slightly self-aggrandizing. I've done well. I try to resist taking credit or feeling special. It seems I am just tired and there are fewer filters. Certain kinds of thoughts slip in when and where they can.

Our work for tonight? By show of hands, two options are most popular: sitting in the Upper Lodge or Ballroom with guitars.

Back in the cabin, guitars are out. There is casual talking.

9:45 - Sitting/Ballroom with Guitars

I imagine myself sitting in the upper lodge and put myself in the ballroom with my guitar strapped on. I have a clear sense that both of these are a No for me. My cabin-mates leave and I slip into my pajamas, which are comfortable. My bed beckons. I'm standing in the bathroom when I realize two things: first, that this sensation is familiar, like the self I left at home who is sometimes a little too comfortable, and two, there is a third option I haven't considered. I'm an AT teacher. I can show up without my guitar. There is some waffling, some inner wriggling, but to this thought there is no clear NO, just the embarrassment I'll feel showing up late. I dress and run down the hill to the Ballroom where Robert works from within the circle. Circulations. Whiz.

There is a moment, watching when an association rises up in me - an emotion from the past connected to something I see in the circle. I begin to tear up. Again, a familiar sensation. I've made an association and fed my emotional reaction. Now it has grown into tears and I am losing touch with what is going on in the room. I ask myself if this is something I am willing or able to put to the side so I can re-engage with what is actually going on.

Walking back the phrase "don't feed the animals" pops into my head. Part of my habitual make-up is to feed certain thoughts/emotions and not others.

Afterward, some bad news necessitates a trip to another cabin where reasons to laugh are found (dildo cozy) and the bravery of one woman is apparent to all present.


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